A Keg of Ryncol For All!
by Pheerthanite X
Summary: After defeating the Collecters, life aboard the Normandy has gone stale. Could Shepard's plan involving terrible fanfiction solve the boredom of the now monotonous work aboard the Normandy?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** **Before we begin, I must say that this story of the crew onboard the Normandy hearing themselves be metaphorically torn apart, then being thrown into a large pile which was to be used as a bed for the first time Saren and Sovereign had sex together is based upon the story ****Sweet Sacrifice**** by OrganicFantasy, just with less spontaneous lemons and more calibrations. So, yeah, you should read that too, because it's funny, and… err... really good, and all that stuff. Just read it!**

**Also, as I wrote this rip-off, I hadn't had any of the DLC, so there is NO Zaeed or Kasumi, since I don't feel like finding out what their personalities are really like.**

Commander Kevin Shepard: pure-blooded paragon, proud owner of a VI replicating himself, stopper of Sovereign, crusher of the Collectors, troller of TIM, and all-around badass, was in love with Tali'Zora. But nobody cares about that since this isn't some disturbing Talimancer-three-way-with-Gabby-lemon. That, and it's just filler so some parts involving a three fingered bitch slap and an unhealthy use of the word Bosh'tet later on make sense.

Today, Commander Kevin Shepard: pure-blooded paragon, proud owner of a VI replicating himself, stopper of Sovereign, crusher of the Collectors, troller of TIM, and all-around badass, felt like having a laugh with his crewmates over something he found on the extranet. He called everyone who'd been on the suicide mission, along with Ken, Gabby, Kelly, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas to the Port Observation room (some of the crew members would need a lot of drinks). Within about 5 minutes everyone had taken a seat, aside from a certain turian. Shepard stormed over to the forward batteries, grabbed Garrus by the shoulder and yanked, effectively turning him around. "Shepard! Need me for something?" the turian asked, his voice showing a hint of fear. "Yeah," Shepard replied, "I need you in the Port Observation room, now!"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Honestly, do you do anything besides calibrate weapons? You deserve to take a break. Besides, there will be free drinks, and who in the right mind would pass up an opportunity like that?"

"Certainly not you, commander," Garrus chuckled, remembering the countless times Shepard had passed out at the bar on the Citadel.

**Some undetermined time later, roughly 3 minutes**

"Alright, so you're probably wondering why I've called you all here today," Kevin spoke out, capturing the attention of those not yet drunk. "After defeating the collectors, we have all been somewhat bored, so I've decided to find something interesting for us to do."

"Oh no! We're going to have to play name games and other icebreakers like that, aren't we?" Jack moaned, causing the rest of the crew to give fearful looks at their commander. "No, I'm not that evil!" Shepard laughed,"I would never force you all to play those games! I've actually been surfing the extranet, and I found a site where people write fictional stories about famous people like us! There are actually a lot of good ones with an interesting plot and a particularly funny one where all of us became hanar and defeated the reapers by being annoyingly polite. But I found quite a few shitty ones as well, and I wanted to share with you one that has more run on sentences and character bashing than it does plot and character development." At this statement, everyone's eyes widened, except for Legion, whose light just brightened.

"Now, before I begin reciting this abomination, does anyone have any questions?" The commander asked. Garrus piped up, muttering, "I have one. Whe-"

"No, Garrus, you are not allowed to run any calibrations while I'm reading this," Shepard growled.

"Oh. I just wanted to know where the dextro-DNA friendly drinks are," The turian shot back.

"Well why didn't you say so?" Kevin asked, completely forgetting that he had cut Garrus off mid-sentence, "They're on the shelf next to Grunt's keg of ryncol."

"Touch that keg, and the scarred part of your face will be the better looking part," Grunt threatened.

"Now, if that's all, would you please begin reading the story, EDI?" Shepard announced, gaining a confused look from Jacob. "Why aren't you reading this commander?" He questioned. Kevin just laughed, explaining to Jacob as if he were a child, "Oh please. There are so many spelling and grammar errors it would take me forever to figure out what this thing said. EDI on the other hand, can figure out what it says in less than a nanosecond, making it easier for us to understand as listeners." Most understood his logic, aside from Tali, who added, "Couldn't Legion read it too? I mean, it's also an AI."

"I suppose that could work, but Legion, like the rest of us, will probably break down when it hears how badly it was butchered as a character. Now, let's get on with this already, okay?" Taking it that was her cue, EDI began reciting the story everyone feared by now. While she may have said everything in a way that made sense, I, being the kind and generous writer I am, will present you with the unedited, unspell-checked, and illegible version of it. (for those of you who don't feel like trying to decipher this awful writing, it will also be written in a decent format at the bottom.)

_MASS UHFEKT THREAH!: THA REEPER INVAZHUN!_

_Cumandur Sheperd jumped onto the Normundy like a BA, becuz he wuz but he coodint get all tha way up so he almost fell but Tali PULLED HIM UP! And sayved himbecuz shees tha onlhy kewl person on the ship and also Sheperd bucuz he is a BAand joakr becuz he lieks prn and porn iz gud 4 u and then shepord wuz okay becuz tali saved him becuz sheez awsum and maeks sammichez for me becuz im maeking her luk gud in this storee._

_Wen they wur bak on da shiptali sed 'shepard I don't kare if having teh secks with mee gives you immune-kanser, I want u naoooooo!'and shepherd sed'so do I' and dey banged rite ther by joker who jackd off becuz he lieked watching that stuf but he has bitter bone disees so the bones on his rod broke and he cride._

"What the- I don't even- that bosh'tet!" The words were stumbling out of Tali's mouth almost as if they were a group of Batarians leaving a bar after a long night of partying.

"Do humans even have bones in that area?" Garrus asked.

_Laytr ohn shepherd went tue chek on tha rest of da cru and he wuz sad becuz Miranda wuz alive so he shot her and he wuz sad becuz sujbekt seeroe wuz uhliev so he shot her and then he wuz happie so he made out with tali but thea kant rest yet becuz the reeperz r cuming! And thae nead too fite them! But furs thee haz to find ashly and kill her becuz shees raesist. Will sheperhd find her? Find out in tha next chapter!1! u haz 2 revu dis or sheperdh will shute u 2!_

"Wait, is it already over? Thank God!" Jacob cried out.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's only the first chapter. Who knows how long this crap will last, but we will go through a chapter quite often, so you may want to find a psychiatrist now before it's too late." Shepard replied

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Don't have enough motivation to review voicing your opinions? Either way, cut me a little slack if this seems terrible, because it's my first time making a satire. Also, in case you are either completely stupid or Garrus, guts do not have bones "down there" Now, without further babbling, I give you the readable version of the Crap-Fic, as I'm calling it.**

_Mass Effect 3: The Reaper Invasion_

_Commander Shepard jumped onto the Normandy like a badass, because he was one. He couldn't quite grasp the deck to the airlock, so he almost fell to his death. As his fingers lost their grip and he began to fall, Tali's hand grabbed his and pulled him to safety. Only she could do this because she, along with Shepard and Joker, (only because he watches porn, which is good for the mind and body) is the only cool person on the ship. Because of her sheer awesomeness, Tali was able to help ensure her commander's safety. As an author's bonus, she makes me sandwiches for giving her a good reputation in this story._

_Once the crew had settled back down on the ship, Tali whispered seductively to her lover, "Shepard, I don't care if having sex with you gives you immune-cancer; I want you now!" Shepard replied with a simple, "So do I." They didn't even take the time to go to his quarters. As they proceeded to demonstrate what not to do in the workplace, Joker felt oddly turned on, and decided to take advantage of this erotic sight through masturbation. Unfortunately, due to his case of vrolik syndrome, the bones in his erect member were soon fractured._

_After his pleasurable time with Tali, Shepard went around the ship to check on his crew, but was disappointed to see Miranda and Jack were alive and well. He solved this with a bullet to the head for each of the two, regaining his happiness. He celebrated their deaths by making out with Tali._

_While it seems like the galaxy is safe, the crew of the Normandy can't rest yet, as the reapers are fast approaching, and only they can stop them. But before the crew prepares for their upcoming battles, they need to find Ashley Williams and kill her for being racist. Will Shepard find her? Find out in the next chapter! You must review this or Shepard will shoot you too!_


	2. Chapter 2

After being forced to hear an immature child's rendition of the crew of the Normandy's attack on the Collector base, the crew forced EDI to stop reading and nearly mutinied against Shepard for forcing them to go through such a painful experience. The crew tried to forget about the story by preparing to fight the reapers, and in doing so, Shepard recruited two new people to the team: Kasumi Goto and Zaeed Massanni. Both were willing to listen to Shepard and his warnings about the reapers and were willing to fight for him.

However, there was no sign of the reapers imminent attack, and so life was pretty quiet aboard the Normandy. One day, Shepard had absolutely nothing to do: there were no missions to complete or planets to investigate, Tali was working on the engine, Garrus had to completely re-calibrate the guns after Legion offered to assist him and completely screwed up the Thanix cannon, Joker was talking rather personally to EDI and both said that they preferred not to be bothered, and even Grunt was busy trying to understand more of the tank's imprints.

Shepard was left with only one option. He spoke over the intercom, "Everyone report to the mess hall." Within a few minutes, the crew had arrived, a look of confusion on most of their faces. Shepard gave a wicked grin, knowing that the majority of them were going to hate him for this.

"Why'd you call us all down here, commander?" Miranda asked. "Yes," Mordin concurred, "Was researching cure to keprals syndrome."

"Any luck?" Thane asked.

"Thought I found solution, but would cause stomach to swell uncontrollably and rupture," Mordin replied, which earned a few disgusted looks from some of the crew members.

"I bet you're all wondering why I called you down here," Shepard announced, regaining control of the conversation. Miranda rolled her eyes and pointed out, "I did already ask you that."

"Well, I've noticed that many crew members, specifically me, have been bored lately, so I figured I'd entertain us a little by telling you an old story. EDI?"

"Yes commander?"

"Begin chapter two."

EDI sighed, "You never learn, do you commander?"

"Just read the story."

_ MAAS UHFEKT THREAH; DA REEPR INVASEN11!111!11! !1!2!1! CHAPTR TOO_

The crew let out a collective sigh of despair, with the exception of Kasumi and Zaeed, who sat there with a growing look of fear and concern on their faces.

_Aftur sheprd got rid uf mirand and jaks bodys by throin dem in spaes henoo wat he had 2 doo. Sheprd serchd da galaxie nd lookd fur ashly den after years uv lookin he fownd her nd sed ashly u is a racist u must die now! Den he shot herand all da aliens on da normindie aet her_

Everyone in the immediate area gave a shudder of horror.

"That DEFINITELY goes against the code," Samara exclaimed.

"Geth do not eat," Legion stated

"Ash may not be the biggest fan of non-humans, but I could never imagine doing that to her," Garrus said, with Tali nodding in agreement.

All seemed to be voicing their disgust, except Grunt, who leaned against a wall, a faint grin at the edge of his lips. "I don't know," he said, "I'd probably do it. Can't taste any worse than turians."

_looking fr the reepr. He shouted I kno ur hidin reeprz cum owt n fite me! Den harbnr cam owt n sed ill fite u and dey startd fitein and tali wuz all like no sheprd I luv u soooooo muchdont git hurt or die! And sheprd sed ill beet harbnr fir u tali so we can live on da kwuryan planet and tali sed awwwwwwwww sheprd u so sweatbut sheprd wus loosin da fite cuz harbnr iz big so grunt startd 2 fite bcuz hes big 2 nd dey startd 2 beet harbnr but he got anoder reepr wit him so sheprd n grunt had 2 fite 2 reeprs so dey got zyed 2 help bcuz hes old n tuff._

"I'm not sure how to take that," Zaeed muttered.

"At least this isn't full of shit about Shepard and Tali doing it," Jack said, partially relieved.

"Yeah," Garrus started, "We'd all be fine with you two keeping it in the captain's quarters." At this, Shepard turned a bright shade of red, and Tali shot a rather menacing look at Garrus before EDI continued narrating.

_Sheprd n grunt n zeyd wer good at fiteing da reeprz but dey wernt strong enuff but den derwas 2 lowd shots and da reeprz fell down n sheprd n grunt n zyed lookd behind dem n saw da sooper budys! Leegin n garus n dey had shot da 2 reeprz down with snypr rifels so dey hi fived_

"Geth do not high-five."

_ Da reeprz wer hert by garus and leejins shots but dey wernt ded dey wer just madder so dey shot der red deth lazrz at leejin and geris and dey died._

_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO u will pay and den you will die bcuz I will kill u wich wil maek u die! Comandr sheprd showted at da reeprz_

Garrus sighed. Rather than the expected sigh of disbelief and annoyance, this one had more of a tone of melancholy and despair to it.

"Aw, what's wrong, Garrus? Sad that you were the first to go?' Tali asked, her voice mimicking that of a parent talking to a toddler.

"No, Tali, I'm not. Remember, Jack and Miranda got taken out before the reapers even arrived. I just wish that I could've gone out in a more… fantastic way. Being unceremoniously blasted to oblivion by a reaper isn't as cool as, say, being attacked y the collectors, then saving the ship's pilot just to be blown away with the rest of the ship."

"Garrus, I'm flattered," Shepard said dryly.

"Besides, I'd imagine Shepard would have something cooler to say than "I'll kill you" to my killers. He'd probably say something about how I was the coolest turian in the galaxy and that to kill me was an unthinkable act of horror, and the reapers, in their great shame, would kill themselves."

"You're really idolizing me, Garrus. Is there something you wanted to say?"

Garrus immediately blushed. "Oh, not at all commander."

"Good. EDI, continue."

_Comandr sheprd shot bulits at da reeprz but dey didn't hert dem bcuz dey wer INVINSIBL!_

"How long is this torture going to last?" Jacob muttered quietly to himself.

_Finly aftr da long battle dat kild leejin and garus nd zyed kumandr sheprd wuz sad cuz his bro was ded so he felt teers in his eys nd startd 2 crie. Den tali saw him criein nd sed sheprd I wil maek u sammiches 2 help u feel betr so she maed him 50 sammiches! And gave dem to him! And sheprd ate da sammiches nd sed dees r good thanks tali im hapy now!_

"What?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"That bosh'tet!"

"Glad to see I'll be missed."

"That's it! I'm done Shepard. Drop me off on the Citadel!"

"Glad to see you're all enjoying the story as much as I am," Shepard sarcastically remarked. "Since we've been listening to this babble talk for…" He checked his omnitool, "Five hours, I think it's time for a break. Report back here in 2 hours! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some food. "

As he left, Kasumi walked up to him and whispered, "Word of advice, Commander: If you value your relationship with Tali, don't have a sandwich."

Spirits, there was so much work to do! Garrus had to spend hours calibrating the main guns after Legion's failed attempt at optimizing it, and having to sit through… whatever that thing was only made him that much farther behind on progress. He was so absorbed in his work that he barely noticed the hiss of the door opening. His heart skipped a beat. Only one person ever came to the battery to talk to him, and that was…

"Shepard. Need me for something?" He asked, not bothering to turn around. As important as Sheppard was to him, he needed to finish his calibrations.

"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?" Came the accented voice of the ship's resident quarian engineer in a tone so harsh, Garrus would've never expected it to come from Tali.

"Tali! Nice to see you! Was there something you wanted to see me about?"

"As a matter of fact, there is," Tali icily replied.

"And that would be?" Garrus asked, trying to ignore Tali's harsh tone for the moment.

"As of late, you've seemed to have an eye for the commander. My _boyfriend_," Tali spat. "Now I now you two are about as close as I am with him, but the relationships we have with Shepard are completely different, and I feel like you're trying to intrude on ours."

Spirits, Tali was possessive! Garrus thought he knew her, but he'd never seen her jealous side before. He'd always seen Tali as an innocent little sister that just happened to carry around a shotgun, killing geth and collectors along the way, but when she became attached to something, she apparently became a vicious monster. Still, she was one of his best friends, so he felt that to be honest was the only fair route to take.

"Well, Shepard is a pretty amazing man, and not too bad looking. I mean, I usually don't swing that way, but I can make an exception."

"Are you trying to steal my boyfriend?" Tali's voice was rising in pitch and volume, and Garrus could tell by the cracks in her voice that she was on the verge of snapping. He had to try to play this cool.

"Well, no, but if something were to ever happen between you two, I can't say that I wouldn't show n interest in the Commander."

Tali stood there, more tense than Garrus had ever seen her, for a second. Then, before he could even react, she swung her arm out at him and slapped him in the face, crying out, "Bosh'tet!" then storming out of the main battery.

So maybe he could've handled that better…

**A/N: So yeah, this thing is back from the dead and stuff. I never found the motivation to write this before the release of Mass Effect 3, and after I played ME3 I took a few months (Almost a year) away because the ending made me so mad (I had to kill EDI and the geth? Seriously?) but now I'm back, and have learned to accept the ending (keep an eye out for an indoctrination theory based ending I plan on writing) and felt like continuing this thing.**

**Oddly enough, what Garrus said can come true in the game. You see, I may not have been able to save both the quarians and gth in my first playthrough and I may have ended up saving the geth because they're better fighters, Tali may have jumped off a cliff at the sight of the quarian race being destroyed because her lover decided the geth were cooler, and Garrus may have come on to me on the Citadel and Earth.**


End file.
